What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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