Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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