Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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