Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
