Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
ttyl tear gas
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
