Umm I'm too high to move.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
