I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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