I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
