That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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