Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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