He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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