after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
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So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
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you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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