I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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