I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
