dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
