my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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