I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
