ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
