Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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