Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
