just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
