Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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