I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize
