my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
