Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
