Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
