Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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