the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
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My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
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not ubering you a puppy
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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