Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
