I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
