FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
