Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
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Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
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Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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