My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
