felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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