Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
