Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
