My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
