we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
