hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
