Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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