hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
