Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
