my phone needs a breathalizer
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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