You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
