dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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