I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Shame is for Republicans.
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