I want to walk on stilts...naked
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
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I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
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Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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