I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂