Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Boobs speak an international language.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
