So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
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we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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