im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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