Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
